Leading from Behind

"We Built It"

Saving Ryan's privates...

Dear Paul,

It does not escape me that you are now saying that you are now living by my counsel and writings. It also does not escape my (or anyone else's) attention that your sudden conversion is as miraculous as that of your namesake and just as the early Christians were suspicious of the first Paul, you have a lot to do to prove that you may know anything of Natural Law, Thomism or any number of things that I professed and that you know little of, but know I am on your side as Mr. Obama is a heathen and God will see to it that your heretic running mate will see the light of day or the dark of Hell so that you may be King or whatever they call it in your country.

One thing you may consider is pronouncing my name in the same way you hipsters say 'Ine Rahnd'. Try referring to me as 'Aquino'. that's pronounced 'Ah-KEE-no'. and instead of answering tough questions directly, try Latin, "Aut viam inveniam aut faciam usque!" Now, I know you are a busy man and I don't expect you to really read anything that I wrote, or even the Bible, which you may find equally illuminating. Particularly where Jesus talks about the poor, the sick and the elderly. But here is a selection of quotes on any topic you may be asked during the campaign or your debate with Biden. 

Yours in Spirit,
St. Thomas Aquinas
Doctor Universalis
Ordo Dominicum

On Abortion 
"A man has free choice to the extent that he is rational." (notice I said 'man' - tricky, huh?')

On Women
"As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power." (when pressed, just say knowingly, 'It's all about Original Sin')

On why millionaires shouldn't pay taxes
"Because of the diverse conditions of humans, it happens that some acts are virtuous to some people, as appropriate and suitable to them, while the same acts are immoral for others, as inappropriate to them." (This is a great thing to say when asked about diversity. It sounds like you're all for it)

On why you should have read all of Ayn Rand
"Beware of the person of one book." (OK I'll stop ribbing you, but really? Cliff Notes were always your downfall)

On why subsidies are good for corporations but not poor people
"By nature all men are equal in liberty, but not in other endowments." (Chuckle when you say 'Endowments')

On why you will legislate your religion despite the Constitution
"Clearly the person who accepts the Church as an infallible guide will believe whatever the Church teaches." (This is what you say to that pesky feminist 'Nuns on the Bus', Sr. Simone)

Why its okay to lie about your love of Ayn Rand
"Distinctions drawn by the mind are not necessarily equivalent to distinctions in reality." (it's like saying everything is subjective unless its objective- this works for any question. Try it.)

On your plan for International Peace
"How can we live in harmony? First we need to know we are all madly in love with the same God." (except Muslims)

On why Mitt shouldn't release his taxes and why all Mormons should step aside for you
"If forgers and malefactors are put to death by the secular power, there is much more reason for excommunicating and even putting to death one convicted of heresy." (You really should distance yourself from his cult ASAP. Soon as the nomination is secure, see John Huntsman Sr. He's got copies of Mitt's taxes  for you to leak)

On why money should be kept offshore and in Switzerland instead of creating jobs
"If the highest aim of a captain were to preserve his ship, he would keep it in port forever." (You might want to keep mum about how your family made it's money off of government contracts.)

On why Obama will not declare war on Iran and your team will
"In order for a war to be just, three things are necessary. First, the authority of the sovereign. Secondly, a just cause. Thirdly, a rightful intention." (You are the sovereign and act on the authority of the Pope. Your just cause is the reclamation of Persia. Your Rightful intention is to kill the infidels. The spoils of wars are secondary but yours nonetheless)

On what you should advise Mitt about his taxes 
"The principal act of courage is to endure and withstand dangers doggedly rather than to attack them." (Just make sure he stays dug in as long as possible. Then, you'll know what to do)


On why its good to equate 'Natural Law' with your religion
"The truth of our faith becomes a matter of ridicule among the infidels if any Catholic, not gifted with the necessary scientific learning, presents as dogma what scientific scrutiny shows to be false." (Just remember that I was the first one to make Intelligent Design synonymous with science)

On why Mitt Romney should step aside for you
"There is but one Church in which men find salvation, just as outside the ark of Noah it was not possible for anyone to be saved." ('Nuff said)

On why its important to have McDonalds as the only real world job on your resume
"To live well is to work well, to show a good activity." (I know, I know but who wants to focus on your twenty years as a Washington Insider.)

On why you fell for that Ayn Rand bullshit in the first place
"We can't have full knowledge all at once. We must start by believing; then afterwards we may be led on to master the evidence for ourselves." (This is what you tell people when they question your budget or want details on your jobs plan.)

On masturbation
"Well-ordered self-love is right and natural." (I know you cant help helping yourself)

On why you think Thomas Aquinas is preferable to any other author you never really read or understood
"Whatever is received is received according to the nature of the recipient." (And when they tear me apart, we'll give you a new hero. Have you read any Oprah?)

Ryan: "Everything I ever needed to know, I learned at McDonalds'

It disturbs me to see people mocking Ryan because his only real world experience was working at McDonalds. Just look at their employee handbook and discover where his values and guidance comes from. You can't argue with success and so; get a gander at the core values and guiding principles of a Ryan Republican?Ronald McDonald Brave New World... (in italics)


From the McDonalds Handbook:
Our unchangeable core values:
1.  People – We strive to discover and meet
the needs of our clients, employees and
vendors.

-'People' are corporations. 'Clients' are corporations. Employees are 'at will' and owned by the corporation and 'vendors' are the corporations that supply the corporations we call 'people'.

2.  Product – We produce products that
withstand long term use, abuse and
neglect.

-If corporations are people, than 'Product' is the new purpose of government. Forget service, infrastructure and the social contract. It is now just product. Aha! you say, 'what about defense?'  There are now more privatized 'soldiers' on the government payroll than real soldiers. The bulk of our onerous defense expenditures go largely to corporate 'people'. Here are the top ten 'people':
     1) Lockheed Martin Corp. $10,888,633,000
     2) Northrop Grumman Corp. $8,212,891,000
     3) Boeing Co. $5,051,984,000
     4) General Dynamics Corp. $4,576,415,00
     5) Raytheon Co. $4,095,309
     6) KBR Inc $3,546,554,000
     7) -3 Communications Corp. $3,332,433,000
     8) Science Applications International Corp. $3,280,980,000
     9) DynCorp International Inc. $2,398,874,000
   10) Hewlett-Packard Co. $2,344,325,000

Soldiers are just widgets on an assembly line. Outsourced when we need to pay extra for what we used to do ourselves. The average soldier makes $30,000 a year. At less than 500,000 soldiers, this means less than 15 billion dollars of a 700 billion plus budget. The rest is 'product'
. The whole 'longterm use, abuse and neglect' thing? Got me there... How does that apply to a hamburger? A bomber? We don't know either, but doesn't it sound cool?



3.  Profit – Profit is the indispensable gas
that drives our engine and allows us to
concentrate on values 1&2.

-Do I need to say anything here? Well, yes,... Ryan doesn't intend to run his new company at a profit, he intends to run with the profit from his new 'company'.


So now that we know his core values, lets look at the guiding principles that he will lead this country with. You didn't think Romney would run the country... did you? You're funny. You probably though Bush was running the country. That's why he has such a prominent role at the GOP convention.

Here we have what they call...

Our unchangeable general guidelines
1.  Bureaucracies are for managing chaotic systems and
incompetent, undisciplined employees.  Aggressively seek
and remove them.
-The government is a pool of bureaucracies with incompetent and undisciplined employees. Aggressively remove all of them. Privatize. Everything.


2.  Maintain a framework of systems and continually adjust
them in pursuit of perfection.

-By framework, we mean a skeletal remnant of both government and infrastructure, health, education and (dare I say it?) welfare. By adjust we mean, reduce and reduce and reduce some more. By perfection we mean 'profit, profit, profit'.


3.  Staff the company with competent, disciplined people
willing to work within the systems.

By 'competent' we mean white, male and at will. By disciplined we mean non-union, outsourced and obedient in the face of illegal, dangerous and low paying systems. If you want to see a competent, disciplined system, simply visit any McDonalds.


4.  Manage the systems, not the people.

Because the corporations (the systems) are the real 'people'. Those slaving flesh bags are pose-able, disposable parts of the overhead. The minimum wage unregulated business model is the most successful model in our history since the Cotton industry before the Civil War. 


5.  Focus on values: Focus on money and you lose touch
with your values.  Focus on your values, and money is
the blessing that follows.

Please reference our core values above to understand what this means...

Ta Ta Ta Ta taaaa... I'm Lovin' It?

Riding RyFalca; Another EquusSketch moment...

Dear Mitt darling,

I know that dressage is 'my thing' and you don't know too much about it, but I see that you now have a handsome stallion of your own. I'm not one to tell you what to do or say but it might be helpful if you review or tattoo this on your arm to refer to. I wish you and your RyFalca well, as politics is 'your thing' and I hope you dont throw him under the bus as well. If you ever rode the bus.

Your loving wife, 
Ann

"You have your words, and I have mine.”

-Peter Shaffer -'Equus'

A GOP Glossary of Dressage Terms

Airs/Airs above the ground
         This is when you trot around as if you are a regular guy and still above it all. If done right, it seems as if you have the 'common touch' which allows you to seem like you are amongst the rabble but really they are mostly staffers dressed to look like 'regular folk'. Best not to go to the hardware store anymore as I wont be writing anymore lists of 'hardware stuff' for you.

Balance
         This is where you take your budget plan and simply say it will save money. Easy to do when you present no details but harder when your new Stallion has had some balancing problems with his own budget. when in doubt, see 'stall'. Its alot like what regular people have to do with the checkbook. Apparently, they have to account for ALL of their money.

Box
        This is not a pugilistic term. It is a dancing term where you and your new steed waltz around an imaginary square we will call 'the subject'. Here it is important to look like your leading even though everyone knows you have no grasp of the subject and your partner can do it better. Even backwards. In heels.

Stall.
         This is when you laugh inappropriately and say, 'I'll have to get back to you'. Unlike a real stall, you never do. You can also refer to your website. That will buy a few minutes while people Google and find it is no where to be found on any GOP website. Darling? Have you ever read your website?

Cadence
        This is when you slowly measure each. word. to. make. sure. you. cant. be. pinned. by. any. thing. you. say. Also called 'parsing' it makes you seem careful and gives you an almost Obama-like gravitas.

Canter
Not to be confused with 'Cantor', who is that Jewish Republican fella that neither you nor anyone in your party likes. The 'canter' consists of a series statements punctuated by the ability to not be certain if the rider is moving right, left or towards the center and still appear to be moving forward.

Collection
There is no short definition of collection. It is however the goal that all dressage riders are aiming for. It is the aim of every rider to collect as many corporate sponsorships, SuperPacs and cold hard cash as needed to win, even if said amount far exceeds the actual amount you will return to your constituency. see also Koch-sucking.

Flying change
         This is where you are mid canter and you change your position. 'I am all for womens' equality and, no, I would not have signed that bill.'. By the way, if you can recall, I am a woman and these weren't your beliefs when we got married.

Half halt/half parade
         Here is where you proudly proclaim progress by trotting out an idea that actually undoes what you say it will fix. See Ryan budget.

Half-pass
        This is where you say something to mollify your base while winking at moderates, independents and undecideds in May who give you a 'half pass' because they know you just need to get the nomination. Then, in August, after you've been given a full pass, you nominate Ryan.

Lateral movements
        This is like a sidestep, but the rider leans towards the center while the horse goes wide to the Right.

On the bit
        Also called, 'staying on message' here it will be the rider who wears the bit as corporate handlers whip work you from the sidelines.

Rein: (some examples)
         Giving the rein - 'I support the Ryan budget'
         Soft rein - 'My Budget is different than the Ryan budget'
         Rein back - 'Mr Ryan couldn't be here to face all you Florida old folks because... he suddenly had to go home...

Relative Straightness
        This is your position when asked about Gay marriage. It remains relative to your audience. Also called 'Don't ask. Don't ask' you can simply revert to a States' Rights argument because states, as you know, are so good at deciding Civil Rights.

Renvers
        This is the most difficult term of all. You will be working on one track to sway your corporate donors. Your horse will be working the extreme right track and, all the while, you will grin and smile meaninglessly to undecideds.

Work in hand
        Here you actually get off the horse because you can't handle it. You stand in the center and act like you are in control of your horse who is more articulate and sure than you will ever be. Not to be confused with 'working with your hands'.

PS- If dressage really isn't 'your thing', then I will be expecting that $77,000 tax deduction you took on Rafalca. In cash. Because 'cash'?  ...that's 'my thing'.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Paper Trail

Controversy equalizes fools and wise men - and the fools know it.

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

It has been quite a 'Chaos in a Crockpot' here at Baker Street. My usually logical, 'low and slow' and contemplative friend, Sherlock Holmes, has been in what our mutual friend, Dr. Freud would term a manic state. I'm old fashioned and just call it what it is. Sherlock Holmes is off his nut. The deep end is there and he has gone off it. His marbles are clattering across our oaken floor and he can't find them. 

It all started when he had received a summons from, her Majesty the Queen Victoria. Holmes had deduced, incorrectly, that it was a summons to elevate his castely status to 'Lord' and make him a Member of the House of Lords and our Parliament. Unfortunately, it was a summons to witness the knighting of Holmes arch enemy and master criminal, one Professor Moriarty. It turns out that the aforementioned Moriarty is about to rise to the very title that Holmes has long coveted.

As I write this, Holmes has been at the London Hall of Records on a quest that has consumed the last three days of his existence and, when the reference room and archives are finally closed, he comes here to our flat to brood and is given to fits of throwing inanimate objects. I have been given to fits of cleaning up after him in what will some day, undoubtedly, be referred to as co-dependent and enabling behavior. 

Last evening, I could finally stand it no longer and confronted him in my best imitation of a psychological intervention. An intervention of one. Sadly, I am Sherlock's only friend and no relatives, save his brother Mycroft, to whom he won't speak, would be a part of any confrontational attempt to end his madness. I have my doubts that even Mycroft exists. So it is up to me. Mano a Mano...

"Holmes..." I said finally after a good hour of histrionics and after he had thrown a very expensive violin bow at the wall, where it remained firmly lodged, "I understand your anger at Moriarty for beating you to Lordship but this pedantic display is unseemly, even for you." I suppose that last was a bit pedantic as well.

Holmes ignored my jab for the longest time but, eventually, he rose to the bait. "It is particularly galling, Watson, on several accounts. Not the least of which is that I have incorrectly deduced his first name after all of these years and there it is on the Summons, staring at me and I should have suspected all along."

I raised an eyebrow as if I believed that his was the real reason for his anger. I played along. "You mean it isn't 'James'?"

He harumphed. "I have long eliminated that as a possibility as that is, actually, his brother's given name."

"What does it matter, Holmes? I rather deduce that you are angry that he is about to attain a title you covet dearly."

"Nonsense, Watson. I should have deduced that his real name would be something headstrong and pretentious. Something as ambitious as he pretends not to be. 'Professor, my arse!"

"And what, pray tell, is that name, Holmes?" I knew I shouldn't ask.

He paused and puffed a perfect ring from his Meerschaum, filling the air with bergemot and cherry, the blend that signals his anger to those who know his habits. "His name, if you must know, is 'Willard'"

"Willard?" I tried to suppress laughter.

"Yes; Willard. I suppose it is a bit more ironic than the name I have called him all these years in my private thoughts." Holmes never begged a question as much as demanded it... with an ellipse...

My own ellipse... "And that is..." 

"I call him 'Glove'."

"Glove?"

"Yes.'Glove'..."

"And that is because..."

He arched a brow and leaned over as if others were listening, "Because he is 'hand in glove' in a league with Satan. Satan being the 'Hand' of the metaphor."

"I gathered that, Holmes." I saw an opportunity to shift to his manic obsession. "So what does that have to do with your huffery and puffery and spending all hours at the London Hall of Records.?"

He sighed and considered whether or not to share this, even with me, his closest friend. He relit his pipe and began. "I am, as you well know, not without considerable connection to the Crown. It is through those connections that I ascertained the true reasons for my being passed over for Lordship..." His puffs hung like an ellipse that wanted me to ask. I did.

"And...?" I hung my own ellipse by inflecting up. A habit that irritates him. I did it again. "And...?"

He snorted smoke from both nostrils. "It seems that someone has floated a false notion that I am not a British subject. That I am a foreigner. A foreigner of low birth."

I suppressed a laugh. Who was more British than Sherlock Holmes? "You? A foreigner?"

"Evidently, I was born practically at the foot of Kilimanjaro near Lake Victoria in a land we now call Kenya." He paused as if I needed time to let that sink in. "It is worse than that. Evidently, my father was a colonial mercenary and Hun and my mother a concubine of the British East Indies Company. They have also poisoned Her Majesty with word that I am a drug user and an addict of Tobacco."

I wasn't about to correct the obvious and inconsequential truths but the news of his parentage was most shocking, if true. I had to ask. "So is it true? Surely it wouldn't take three days to prove your birth."

"You would think so. Oh, it was easy enough to find a birth certificate, birth announcements and the like, but it seems just as easy to claim they were forgeries."

But then anyone can question anyone's birth. How does one counter that?"

"Elementary, Watson. The best defense is good offense and, as Sun Tzu notes in his timeless 'Art Of War' that 'Invincibility lies in the defence; the possibility of victory in the attack' If they deny me a defence then iI must mount an attack.  And so my time has been spent in trying to counter the claims that arose to elevate this, now so-called', Willard to his impending Lordship in our Empire."

"And those claims are?"

"He claims to have been the governor of a British Territory where he didn't reside, he claims to have rescued the first Olympiad of the free world in 1896 and he further contends that he captained a large sea vessel ironically monikered,  'The Bain'."

"Ironically?"

"Yes, the sainted Oxford English Dictionary tells us it means, 'cause of great annoyance'. It derives from the word for 'poison'."

That is spelled, B-A-N-E. It is more a 'pun' that an 'irony'."

"Touche, but as my great Nephew Oliver Wendell will someday say,  'A pun does not commonly justify a blow in return. But if a blow were given for such cause, and death ensued, the jury would be judges both of the facts and of the pun, and might, if the latter were of an aggravated character, return a verdict of justifiable homicide.'

I have long since ceased commenting on the doings and sayings of his imaginary relatives. "But Holmes; what does it matter if he was or wasn't the commodore of an ill named vessel, ironic or not?"

"Because when said vessel runs amuck in the bloody Thames and destroys the homes and employment of our subjects, it matters. It matters especially that he now claims he was in Greece at the time saving our dear Olympiad."

"So 'governorship', Olympiad, ships amuck and all should be quite simple to prove, no?"

Holmes leaned over again and whispered in the fashion of the truly paranoid. "You would think so, Watson, but there is just one problem..."

"Only one, Holmes...?"

"One is enough. All records of his tenure at anything has been erased. Even his professorship is in question. it seems that the only records that exist claim that his claims are true, but there is no paper trail. No proof of his existence nor is there anyway in which we can even assume that he is a true British Subject."

"Truly?"

"Truly. His father could not be a Lord for two reasons and, perhaps, that should apply to the junior, but it doesn't necessarily. His father was a refugee from Mexico and a noted member of a cult that still practices polygamy to this day. Now surely that shouldn't matter but he and his evil minions are calling me the 'foreigner'. The Gloved One has distanced himself from the cult but it appears that he was once a high priest and so powerful that he escaped conscription into Her Majesty's Service."

"So, Holmes..." I hoped to interrupt his rising tone and ire. "What the blazes can one do?"

"Deduction, Watson, deduction and reason. Logic, if you will. If this Willard Moriarty truly exists then, obviously he must have paid taxes. Everything we need to know about The Gloved One will be there. Am I right? The snag here is that those records are sealed, but I intend to challenge Mr. Willard Moriarty to produce his taxes or desist from his ascendancy to the House Of Lords. It's plain logic, a simple challenge to reveal his taxes will reveal all. Simple as that..."

"Yes, Holmes. Simple as that..."

Sherlock Holmes and the Kurious Kase of the First Koch Blocking...

Wisdom is the abstract of the past, but beauty is the promise of the future.

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

I was enjoying my nap at 221 B Baker St. the single walk-up flat I share with my old friend Sherlock Holmes when I was awakened, rather rudely, by the grunting sound of either a Sumatran Rhino in fetal distress or a large Hippopotami intent on attracting a mate. It was neither. It turns out after some disorientation, and only a little deduction, that it was said old friend Holmes in the water closet making those horrible sounds. They only got louder and more screeching. I was concerned for my oldest friend as the sound grew louder and higher in pitch. My Hippocratic oath and training knew what to do. 


After breaking down the water closet door, you can imagine my horror to find Sherlock Holmes stark naked and squatting precariously, Hindi style on the edge of the fragile porcelain bowl.


"Good Heavens, Sherlock! What on earth are you doing?


"Not just earth, Watson, but rare and fine porcelain found only at the Kretaceous-Tertiary layers of earth. No fears for the delicacy is only an illusion and the bowl quite sturdy for a French made thing. And if you must know what I am doing, it is called 'Jonkot' by the Malaysian practitioners of this ancient art." He made no effort to cover up so I averted my eyes.


"To what end, Holmes?"


"'Jonkot' is the ancient art of squatting and wiping ones arse without closet paper. One simply..." I jumped in, certain that a graphic description or, worse, a demostration was about to follow.


"Jesus, Joseph and Chaucer, Holmes! Whatever for?"


"I'm protesting, Watson. To be precise, I am 'Boycotting'."


"Boycotting? Who and whatever for? And why the bloody sounds of a gorilla in the throes of orgasm?"


"One question at a time, Watson. Your bedside manner is as atrocious as your metaphors."  He put down a bottle that may have at one time held good Irish Whiskey but now held a lower purpose. Much lower. "Boycotting is the act of not purchasing ones wares to create economic impact. So named for the Irishman Charles Boycott who was famously shunned by the Irish people for foreclosing on their farms. It is a fiduciary filibuster of sorts."


"Heavens, Holmes I know what a boycott is but who and why?"


"It is nefarious, Watson. Egregious and most notorious. You see, Watson, these criminals believe they will have escaped my legal legerdemain simply by committing their crimes in the future. So today I 'jonkot' and save the world. Huzzah!" As he said this he inexplicably saluted while still in his squatting pose. I tried to avert my gaze but part of listening to Holmes is always visual. Today it was a tad too visual. I attempted to look at the ceiling.


"Our new nemesis, Watson, are masters of monopoly, manipulation and mass deception. Far worse than Moriarity because they have escaped the confines of the criminal underworld and will, in the future operate in broad daylight." He suddenly stood in a pose that would suggest the American Statue of Liberty but his book was a Deerstalker and his torch was a whiskey bottle whose good Irish Whiskey was replaced by water, a notable demotion in its functionality and pride. The most disturbing element of his imitation was the absence of any robe and the obviousness of his gender.


I backpedaled into the hall and unmentionable parts of him brushed by me with no regard to my proximity. I am a doctor but, no excuses, there are limits.


Holmes went directly to the window overlooking a busy Baker Street wearing only his Deerstalker and lighting a rather large Meerschaum pipe that was unfortunately not the most noticeable protrusions facing passersby. He continued. "It is a plot, dear Watson, the likes of which only I or my betters will be able to defeat and I will not be there. Needless to say I have no betters and it is up to me to send a protege into the future who can foment the seeds of change and defeat the evil twins."


"You mean your older brother, Mycroft?" This irritated him. .


"Of course not. That piker couldn't deduce the origins of a chicken if the shell were still on it." He began his stretches and I knew what was about to occur. I could only shutter. He had every attention of doing his precious 'Five Tibetans' calisthenics in front of the picture window. In front of God, the Queen and all her unfortunate subjects. "But I am ahead of them. I will effect the time space continuum by writing to the future. I will send my thoughts to a Holmes yet unborn. My great nephew will be a man of Jurisprudence and he will not only save the world but he will propel the Holmes name far into the twenty-first Century."


As he said this he got up and began twirling like a dervish, holding his hat in one hand and the empty arse washing whiskey bottle in the other. Centrifugal force was doing its worst and I did not have to imagine what the populace below was now witness to. He continued, "I will start by leaving my wisdom to my yet unborn great nephew and give him free license to pepper his soon to be famous legal decisions with my jurisprudential pearls of wisdom. He will, undoubtedly, rise in his profession until he is Chief Justice of the United States and he will, as undoubtedly, be a maverick, if I may use that anachronism, and be known as the 'Great Dissenter' a huge arse pain of a man, who will say 'I told you so' from far beyond the grave. As will I."

Holmes Sufi-like twirling had fortunately stopped facing away from the window. Most unfortunately, he was now facing me and the unintended consequences of centrifugal force were now in my purview. He ignored my discomfort or pretended not to enjoy the same as he went on. "Chief Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, that will be his name will famously state, 'The right to swing my fist ends where the other fellows nose begins.' in other words, words that you will understand, 'Do no harm'. As an individual, the owners of the toilet paper empire can say what they wants but in the age of the ironically titled Citizens United, the corporation will be a 'person'. A 'person' who will enjoy the right of free and unlimited speech and the bewigged giants of the future will hold that money is also speech."


He was laying on the floor now and raising his legs and, when supine, reminded me that the Queen herself had sent a summons to give him yet another title and make him a Lord. He stopped to gauge my reaction. Fortunately I had just stopped staring at the newest member of parliament and hiccoughed. He mistook my seizure for shock and dismay. "I know, right?"


I hiccoughed again, "excuse me, Holmes?"

"No fears, Watson, just a little idiom I mean to launch into the future. 'I know, right?' It makes your deductions seems as if I thought of them first. Brilliant."


I raised an eyebrow, "I know, right?"


"Touche, Doctor. But enough of that." He pressed on and time had not reduced his rather voluminous corpuscular ardor. His priapic condition now seemed to rhythmically punctuate his speech like a conductor of the new music I am so unfond of and that he, Holmes, loves. "So while it is their private belief, the money is corporate and their corporate speech intends to do harm. His 'swinging fist' has reached far past my my rather obvious and noble proboscis." The ironic anatomical context of his easily misunderstood Latin did not escape this man of medicine. "Their twin corporate contributions and that of the corporation will be funding discriminatory practices, deregulation of civil rights, our nascent women's suffrage, suppress voters rights and they will hide behind the invisibility cloak of anonymity decrying their opposition's lack of tolerance. Worst of all, dear doctor, is their intent on dismantling the rights of homosexuals."


Another hiccough. "I know, right. In the future they will discover that the abominable and abhorrent is actually just genetics and there will be a hue and cry to make what is natural, unnatural as it is unfortunately here in our day. That, I cannot allow, Watson."


I swallowed hard. The degree of frankness and passion on this never broached subject was beyond my composure filters. Holmes, pretended not to notice and, thankfully, continued. 


He began his third of five 'Tibetans' away from the windows but a little too close for my comfort. On his knees. Bending backwards. Rhythmic. Bobbing. "The dismantling of rights is only part of the 'speech' of this new evil corporate person. It will apply to legislation where it will fund the defeat of legislation condemning the murder of homosexuals in other countries.  They will oppose that condemnation. People will die. Their monstrous corporations will fund the slippery slope of hate to Hades.  In short, they will be using corporate money to do harm. Real harm. Not just speech. certainly not free. It will require billions of whatever it is that Americans will be spending in the future. Billions of people precisely like you and me."


"I." 


Holmes ignored my correction. "Yes. You as well"


"But Holmes, isn't it preferable and right to allow people to speak freely even if, and especially if, we disagree?"


Holmes stopped his repetitions to give me a pitying look. I thought my question valid. He spoke in the tone of a school marm with a particularly dense charge. "I tolerate what they say as human persons. I support their civil right to express their selves and support their causes. As Individuals. I even understand their belief in a 'Natural Law' and how they think that a collection of their books is that law. they are entitled to believe that. But it isn't. And that isn't relevant. Moreover, if they choose to use anything other than their own pay to promulgate the type of legislation, propaganda and hatred, I simply don't have to fund it."


He arched back again. Then forward. Low. So low I was reminded to speak to the cleaning lady about mopping. Thoroughly. "I will Jonkot and I will exercise my right to Boycott. I also have the right to expose his corporate culture as harmful, his practices as discriminatory and his 'corporate money speech' as uncostitutional. Perhaps, in the future, I will get people to squat and forego the use of closet paper as the ultimate protest."

"Seems a tad unsanitary, Holmes. Extreme, to say the least."

"Nonsense, dear boy. Humans have been using hand and water for millenia. We have been convinced by nefarious paper companies that their way is better. Seems worse to me, but it's a personal choice. And that is my point. We are alike these Kochs and I." His pronunciation of their names was not the Germanic one. "Like the Kochs, my own personal decision to 'not fund' is personal. Like the Kochs,  I am asking others to believe as I do. Unlike the Kochs, I am not using a corporation to do so, and that is where we differ. That is where the harm is, and that is where you will find my proboscis bent out of shape. We must all squat and block the Kochs." He raised his twisting fist in a sudden gesture that made me blush.


Holmes slowly extricated his fist from the air in a rotating motion that somehow unnerved me. "In light of this evil "Citizens United" decision they will now, or rather 'then', have the ability to imply by their many corporations that they represent a band of 'citizens, united'. They will hold up their employees who haven't been asked but whose 'at will' supplication makes them complicit and they will take their money and yours as proof of our agreement with their speech They will then unfairly leverage this to have more rights than I do. You do. They will do this with your money. Your complicity. My advice to the future, Watson, is to boycott. Boycott as if your life depends on it."


"But Holmes..."


He barked suddenly and jumped to his haunches in one quick motion, "Squat with me, doctor, it is your Hippocratic oath. Do. No. Harm!" As he said this he bounced up and down with each word and I felt oddly compelled to join him. He looked at me askance as we bounced together. He finally spoke, possibly, to relieve my embarrassment.


"Future Justice Holmes will also say, at my prompting, and less famously, 'The mind of the bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you shine on it, the more it contracts.' Boycotting shines this light. It is working. It is like anything. If you don't feed it, it won't grow. There are those who disagree and will feed it in my place. That is their right. Until Citizens is overturned or nullified by federal and state laws it is necessary to use the voice of real people to defeat the unfair advantage of corporation 'persons' in our political process."

His voice and volume reached a feverish pitch as he suddenly yelled 'Jonkot! Jonkot! Jonkot!...' over and over again and I felt compelled to join him in a frenzied spate of squatting, bouncing and yelling. The chant became, 'BOYCOTT, BOYCOTT, BOYCOTT...!' Louder and louder and then... We both fell over backwards at he same time and were silent. Only our heavy breathing and the distant siren of a fire engine headed somewhere near was heard.


Holmes looked over at me as I lay on the floor with him. "In the end, Watson, we have the power to use our own speech and our own money to forward our own principles and render the Kochs of the world impotent of their power, render them harmless by taking away our complicity and funding. Our considerable endowment. Our oral Endorsement. And they will lose money. Our money. A lot of money, and that is their real religion. They didn't get into business to quote the bible. As my nephew Holmes will say, 'a man is usually more careful of his money than his principles.' So it is with the Kochs of the world. Squat with me, Watson, we will save the future..."

********

"I wish to point out to you a very much better way – a more Christian and charitable way, which will give the lost man an opportunity of repenting. When a man takes a farm from which another has been evicted, you must shun him on the roadside when you meet him – you must shun him in the streets of the town – you must shun him in the shop – you must shun him on the fair green and in the market place, and even in the place of worship, by leaving him alone, by putting him in moral Coventry, by isolating him from the rest of the country, as if he were the leper of old – you must show him your detestation of the crime he committed."

-the speech against Charles Boycott