Dear Paul,
It does not escape me that you are now saying that you are now living by my counsel and writings. It also does not escape my (or anyone else's) attention that your sudden conversion is as miraculous as that of your namesake and just as the early Christians were suspicious of the first Paul, you have a lot to do to prove that you may know anything of Natural Law, Thomism or any number of things that I professed and that you know little of, but know I am on your side as Mr. Obama is a heathen and God will see to it that your heretic running mate will see the light of day or the dark of Hell so that you may be King or whatever they call it in your country.
One thing you may consider is pronouncing my name in the same way you hipsters say 'Ine Rahnd'. Try referring to me as 'Aquino'. that's pronounced 'Ah-KEE-no'. and instead of answering tough questions directly, try Latin, "Aut viam inveniam aut faciam usque!" Now, I know you are a busy man and I don't expect you to really read anything that I wrote, or even the Bible, which you may find equally illuminating. Particularly where Jesus talks about the poor, the sick and the elderly. But here is a selection of quotes on any topic you may be asked during the campaign or your debate with Biden.
Yours in Spirit,
St. Thomas Aquinas
Doctor Universalis
Ordo Dominicum
On Abortion
"A man has free choice to the extent that he is rational." (notice I said 'man' - tricky, huh?')
On Women
"As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power." (when pressed, just say knowingly, 'It's all about Original Sin')
On why millionaires shouldn't pay taxes
"Because of the diverse conditions of humans, it happens that some acts are virtuous to some people, as appropriate and suitable to them, while the same acts are immoral for others, as inappropriate to them." (This is a great thing to say when asked about diversity. It sounds like you're all for it)
On why you should have read all of Ayn Rand
"Beware of the person of one book." (OK I'll stop ribbing you, but really? Cliff Notes were always your downfall)
On why subsidies are good for corporations but not poor people
"By nature all men are equal in liberty, but not in other endowments." (Chuckle when you say 'Endowments')
On why you will legislate your religion despite the Constitution
"Clearly the person who accepts the Church as an infallible guide will believe whatever the Church teaches." (This is what you say to that pesky feminist 'Nuns on the Bus', Sr. Simone)
Why its okay to lie about your love of Ayn Rand
"Distinctions drawn by the mind are not necessarily equivalent to distinctions in reality." (it's like saying everything is subjective unless its objective- this works for any question. Try it.)
On your plan for International Peace
"How can we live in harmony? First we need to know we are all madly in love with the same God." (except Muslims)
On why Mitt shouldn't release his taxes and why all Mormons should step aside for you
"If forgers and malefactors are put to death by the secular power, there is much more reason for excommunicating and even putting to death one convicted of heresy." (You really should distance yourself from his cult ASAP. Soon as the nomination is secure, see John Huntsman Sr. He's got copies of Mitt's taxes for you to leak)
On why money should be kept offshore and in Switzerland instead of creating jobs
"If the highest aim of a captain were to preserve his ship, he would keep it in port forever." (You might want to keep mum about how your family made it's money off of government contracts.)
On why Obama will not declare war on Iran and your team will
"In order for a war to be just, three things are necessary. First, the authority of the sovereign. Secondly, a just cause. Thirdly, a rightful intention." (You are the sovereign and act on the authority of the Pope. Your just cause is the reclamation of Persia. Your Rightful intention is to kill the infidels. The spoils of wars are secondary but yours nonetheless)
On what you should advise Mitt about his taxes
"The principal act of courage is to endure and withstand dangers doggedly rather than to attack them." (Just make sure he stays dug in as long as possible. Then, you'll know what to do)
On why its good to equate 'Natural Law' with your religion
"The truth of our faith becomes a matter of ridicule among the infidels if any Catholic, not gifted with the necessary scientific learning, presents as dogma what scientific scrutiny shows to be false." (Just remember that I was the first one to make Intelligent Design synonymous with science)
On why Mitt Romney should step aside for you
"There is but one Church in which men find salvation, just as outside the ark of Noah it was not possible for anyone to be saved." ('Nuff said)
On why its important to have McDonalds as the only real world job on your resume
"To live well is to work well, to show a good activity." (I know, I know but who wants to focus on your twenty years as a Washington Insider.)
On why you fell for that Ayn Rand bullshit in the first place
"We can't have full knowledge all at once. We must start by believing; then afterwards we may be led on to master the evidence for ourselves." (This is what you tell people when they question your budget or want details on your jobs plan.)
On masturbation
"Well-ordered self-love is right and natural." (I know you cant help helping yourself)
On why you think Thomas Aquinas is preferable to any other author you never really read or understood
"Whatever is received is received according to the nature of the recipient." (And when they tear me apart, we'll give you a new hero. Have you read any Oprah?)
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