Friday, August 17, 2012

Saving Ryan's privates...

Dear Paul,

It does not escape me that you are now saying that you are now living by my counsel and writings. It also does not escape my (or anyone else's) attention that your sudden conversion is as miraculous as that of your namesake and just as the early Christians were suspicious of the first Paul, you have a lot to do to prove that you may know anything of Natural Law, Thomism or any number of things that I professed and that you know little of, but know I am on your side as Mr. Obama is a heathen and God will see to it that your heretic running mate will see the light of day or the dark of Hell so that you may be King or whatever they call it in your country.

One thing you may consider is pronouncing my name in the same way you hipsters say 'Ine Rahnd'. Try referring to me as 'Aquino'. that's pronounced '
Ah-KEE-no'. and instead of answering tough questions directly, try Latin, "Aut viam inveniam aut faciam usque!" Now, I know you are a busy man and I don't expect you to really read anything that I wrote, or even the Bible, which you may find equally illuminating. Particularly where Jesus talks about the poor, the sick and the elderly. But here is a selection of quotes on any topic you may be asked during the campaign or your debate with Biden. 

Yours in Spirit,
St. Thomas Aquinas
Doctor Universalis
Ordo Dominicum

On Abortion 
"A man has free choice to the extent that he is rational." (notice I said 'man' - tricky, huh?')

On Women
"As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power." (when pressed, just say knowingly, 'It's all about Original Sin')

On why millionaires shouldn't pay taxes
"Because of the diverse conditions of humans, it happens that some acts are virtuous to some people, as appropriate and suitable to them, while the same acts are immoral for others, as inappropriate to them." (This is a great thing to say when asked about diversity. It sounds like you're all for it)

On why you should have read all of Ayn Rand
"Beware of the person of one book." (OK I'll stop ribbing you, but really? Cliff Notes were always your downfall)

On why subsidies are good for corporations but not poor people
"By nature all men are equal in liberty, but not in other endowments." (Chuckle when you say 'Endowments')

On why you will legislate your religion despite the Constitution
"Clearly the person who accepts the Church as an infallible guide will believe whatever the Church teaches." (This is what you say to that pesky feminist 'Nuns on the Bus', Sr. Simone)

Why its okay to lie about your love of Ayn Rand
"Distinctions drawn by the mind are not necessarily equivalent to distinctions in reality." (it's like saying everything is subjective unless its objective- this works for any question. Try it.)

On your plan for International Peace
"How can we live in harmony? First we need to know we are all madly in love with the same God." (except Muslims)

On why Mitt shouldn't release his taxes and why all Mormons should step aside for you

"If forgers and malefactors are put to death by the secular power, there is much more reason for excommunicating and even putting to death one convicted of heresy." (You really should distance yourself from his cult ASAP. Soon as the nomination is secure, see John Huntsman Sr. He's got copies of Mitt's taxes  for you to leak)

On why money should be kept offshore and in Switzerland instead of creating jobs
"If the highest aim of a captain were to preserve his ship, he would keep it in port forever." (You might want to keep mum about how your family made it's money off of government contracts.)

On why Obama will not declare war on Iran and your team will
"In order for a war to be just, three things are necessary. First, the authority of the sovereign. Secondly, a just cause. Thirdly, a rightful intention." (You are the sovereign and act on the authority of the Pope. Your just cause is the reclamation of Persia. Your Rightful intention is to kill the infidels. The spoils of wars are secondary but yours nonetheless)

On what you should advise Mitt about his taxes 
"The principal act of courage is to endure and withstand dangers doggedly rather than to attack them." (Just make sure he stays dug in as long as possible. Then, you'll know what to do)

On why its good to equate 'Natural Law' with your religion
"The truth of our faith becomes a matter of ridicule among the infidels if any Catholic, not gifted with the necessary scientific learning, presents as dogma what scientific scrutiny shows to be false." (Just remember that I was the first one to make Intelligent Design synonymous with science)

On why Mitt Romney should step aside for you
"There is but one Church in which men find salvation, just as outside the ark of Noah it was not possible for anyone to be saved." ('Nuff said)

On why its important to have McDonalds as the only real world job on your resume
"To live well is to work well, to show a good activity." (I know, I know but who wants to focus on your twenty years as a Washington Insider.)

On why you fell for that Ayn Rand bullshit in the first place
"We can't have full knowledge all at once. We must start by believing; then afterwards we may be led on to master the evidence for ourselves." (This is what you tell people when they question your budget or want details on your jobs plan.)

On masturbation
"Well-ordered self-love is right and natural." (I know you cant help helping yourself)

On why you think Thomas Aquinas is preferable to any other author you never really read or understood

"Whatever is received is received according to the nature of the recipient." (And when they tear me apart, we'll give you a new hero. Have you read any Oprah?)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Ryan: "Everything I ever needed to know, I learned at McDonalds'

It disturbs me to see people mocking Ryan because his only real world experience was working at McDonalds. Just look at their employee handbook and discover where his values and guidance comes from. You can't argue with success and so; get a gander at the core values and guiding principles of a Ryan Republican?Ronald McDonald Brave New World... (in italics)

From the McDonalds Handbook:
Our unchangeable core values:
1.  People – We strive to discover and meet
the needs of our clients, employees and

-'People' are corporations. 'Clients' are corporations. Employees are 'at will' and owned by the corporation and 'vendors' are the corporations that supply the corporations we call 'people'.

2.  Product – We produce products that
withstand long term use, abuse and

-If corporations are people, than 'Product' is the new purpose of government. Forget service, infrastructure and the social contract. It is now just product. Aha! you say, 'what about defense?'  There are now more privatized 'soldiers' on the government payroll than real soldiers. The bulk of our onerous defense expenditures go largely to corporate 'people'. Here are the top ten 'people':
     1) Lockheed Martin Corp. $10,888,633,000
     2) Northrop Grumman Corp. $8,212,891,000
     3) Boeing Co. $5,051,984,000
     4) General Dynamics Corp. $4,576,415,00
     5) Raytheon Co. $4,095,309
     6) KBR Inc $3,546,554,000
     7) -3 Communications Corp. $3,332,433,000
     8) Science Applications International Corp. $3,280,980,000
     9) DynCorp International Inc. $2,398,874,000
   10) Hewlett-Packard Co. $2,344,325,000

Soldiers are just widgets on an assembly line. Outsourced when we need to pay extra for what we used to do ourselves. The average soldier makes $30,000 a year. At less than 500,000 soldiers, this means less than 15 billion dollars of a 700 billion plus budget. The rest is 'product'
. The whole 'longterm use, abuse and neglect' thing? Got me there... How does that apply to a hamburger? A bomber? We don't know either, but doesn't it sound cool?

3.  Profit – Profit is the indispensable gas
that drives our engine and allows us to
concentrate on values 1&2.

-Do I need to say anything here? Well, yes,... Ryan doesn't intend to run his new company at a profit, he intends to run with the profit from his new 'company'.

So now that we know his core values, lets look at the guiding principles that he will lead this country with. You didn't think Romney would run the country... did you? You're funny. You probably though Bush was running the country. That's why he has such a prominent role at the GOP convention.

Here we have what they call...

Our unchangeable general guidelines

1.  Bureaucracies are for managing chaotic systems and
incompetent, undisciplined employees.  Aggressively seek
and remove them.
-The government is a pool of bureaucracies with incompetent and undisciplined employees. Aggressively remove all of them. Privatize. Everything.

2.  Maintain a framework of systems and continually adjust

them in pursuit of perfection.

-By framework, we mean a skeletal remnant of both government and infrastructure, health, education and (dare I say it?) welfare. By adjust we mean, reduce and reduce and reduce some more. By perfection we mean 'profit, profit, profit'.

3.  Staff the company with competent, disciplined people
willing to work within the systems.

By 'competent' we mean white, male and at will. By disciplined we mean non-union, outsourced and obedient in the face of illegal, dangerous and low paying systems. If you want to see a competent, disciplined system, simply visit any McDonalds.

4.  Manage the systems, not the people.

Because the corporations (the systems) are the real 'people'. Those slaving flesh bags are pose-able, disposable parts of the overhead. The minimum wage unregulated business model is the most successful model in our history since the Cotton industry before the Civil War. 

5.  Focus on values: Focus on money and you lose touch

with your values.  Focus on your values, and money is
the blessing that follows.

Please reference our core values above to understand what this means...

Ta Ta Ta Ta taaaa... I'm Lovin' It?

Monday, August 13, 2012

Riding RyFalca; Another EquusSketch moment...

Dear Mitt darling,

I know that dressage is 'my thing' and you don't know too much about it, but I see that you now have a handsome stallion of your own. I'm not one to tell you what to do or say but it might be helpful if you review or tattoo this on your arm to refer to. I wish you and your RyFalca well, as politics is 'your thing' and I hope you dont throw him under the bus as well. If you ever rode the bus.

Your loving wife, 
"You have your words, and I have mine.”
-Peter Shaffer -'Equus'

A GOP Glossary of Dressage Terms
Airs/Airs above the ground
         This is when you trot around as if you are a regular guy and still above it all. If done right, it seems as if you have the 'common touch' which allows you to seem like you are amongst the rabble but really they are mostly staffers dressed to look like 'regular folk'. Best not to go to the hardware store anymore as I wont be writing anymore lists of 'hardware stuff' for you.

         This is where you take your budget plan and simply say it will save money. Easy to do when you present no details but harder when your new Stallion has had some balancing problems with his own budget. when in doubt, see 'stall'. Its alot like what regular people have to do with the checkbook. Apparently, they have to account for ALL of their money.

This is not a pugilistic term. It is a dancing term where you and your new steed waltz around an imaginary square we will call 'the subject'. Here it is important to look like your leading even though everyone knows you have no grasp of the subject and your partner can do it better. Even backwards. In heels.

This is when you laugh inappropriately and say, 'I'll have to get back to you'. Unlike a real stall, you never do. You can also refer to your website. That will buy a few minutes while people Google and find it is no where to be found on any GOP website. Darling? Have you ever read your website?

        This is when you slowly measure each. word. to. make. sure. you. cant. be. pinned. by. any. thing. you. say. Also called 'parsing' it makes you seem careful and gives you an almost Obama-like gravitas.

Not to be confused with 'Cantor', who is that Jewish Republican fella that neither you nor anyone in your party likes. The 'canter' consists of a series statements punctuated by the ability to not be certain if the rider is moving right, left or towards the center and still appear to be moving forward.

There is no short definition of collection. It is however the goal that all dressage riders are aiming for. It is the aim of every rider to collect as many corporate sponsorships, SuperPacs and cold hard cash as needed to win, even if said amount far exceeds the actual amount you will return to your constituency. see also Koch-sucking.

Flying change
         This is where you are mid canter and you change your position. 'I am all for womens' equality and, no, I would not have signed that bill.'. By the way, if you can recall, I am a woman and these weren't your beliefs when we got married.

Half halt/half parade
         Here is where you proudly proclaim progress by trotting out an idea that actually undoes what you say it will fix. See Ryan budget.

        This is where you say something to mollify your base while winking at moderates, independents and undecideds in May who give you a 'half pass' because they know you just need to get the nomination. Then, in August, after you've been given a full pass, you nominate Ryan.

Lateral movements

        This is like a sidestep, but the rider leans towards the center while the horse goes wide to the Right.

On the bit
Also called, 'staying on message' here it will be the rider who wears the bit as corporate handlers whip work you from the sidelines.

Rein: (some examples)
         Giving the rein - 'I support the Ryan budget'
         Soft rein - 'My Budget is different than the Ryan budget'
         Rein back - 'Mr Ryan couldn't be here to face all you Florida old folks because... he suddenly had to go home...

Relative Straightness
        This is your position when asked about Gay marriage. It remains relative to your audience. Also called 'Don't ask. Don't ask' you can simply revert to a States' Rights argument because states, as you know, are so good at deciding Civil Rights.

        This is the most difficult term of all. You will be working on one track to sway your corporate donors. Your horse will be working the extreme right track and, all the while, you will grin and smile meaninglessly to undecideds.

Work in hand
        Here you actually get off the horse because you can't handle it. You stand in the center and act like you are in control of your horse who is more articulate and sure than you will ever be. Not to be confused with 'working with your hands'.

PS- If dressage really isn't 'your thing', then I will be expecting that $77,000 tax deduction you took on Rafalca. In cash. Because 'cash'?  ...that's 'my thing'.